Grief and Loss - How can I stop the pain?

In the month where much of the UK shares in the sadness, loss but also the celebration of a life and reign well-lived by Queen Elizabeth II, we may be reminded of similar feelings of loss and grief of our own family members or the loss of a loved relationship.

I know of people who are getting together as families to watch and experience the funeral, have seen people who have felt the urge to travel to London to pay respects and be amongst others to say a final goodbye. This support from our loved ones and to be around others who feel a similar way can be a comfort.

Grief can be overwhelming and I often use Kubler Ross’s Grief and Loss Cycle to support my clients going through divorce. The loss of a relationship, whether happy or unhappy, is an experience of huge grief and loss of a partner and the emotions attached with experiencing this can be difficult to cope with as they often come in waves.

In looking at Kubler Ross’s Grief and Loss cycle, it offers some clarity around the type of emotions that we can expect.

Denial: ‘This can’t be happening’

Anger: ‘Why is this happening to me?’

Bargaining: ‘I will do anything to change this’

Depression: ‘What’s the point in going on now?’

Acceptance: ‘I know what happened. I can’t change it. I now need to cope’

Why might this be helpful to know?

If you can identify where you are on this cycle, then it gives you power and clarity that what you are feeling is completely natural and you WILL move through. However, some of us can get stuck at a particular place on this cycle and if this is you and you find that you have been stuck in the anger or depression stage for some time, you may need to seek some extra support/help to move through.

How can we think about loving again when it hurts?

With any grief and loss – death of a person or a relationship, it is important to recognise that we may never quite be the same person again. I like this quote by Hilary Stanton Zunin:

‘The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief – But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love’

A study by the Marriage Foundation said that while 45% of first marriages end in Divorce, only 31% of second marriages end in failure. Couples tend to benefit from age and experience.

Sit with and understand the grief and loss process. Don’t hide it or use avoidance ‘coping’ methods which stop you from moving through the cycle such as:- alcohol, excessive work or exercise, eating, staying busy. By allowing yourself to feel the cycle of emotions and be supported through by loved ones or professionals, you WILL move through to acceptance and, believe it or not, create and plan a new and exciting chapter, which may even be better than the last!



What a wonderful lady our Queen was - a mother, grandmother and great grandmother who lived a rich and faithful life. She will be missed and a new chapter begins.